Yesterday was a weird day for me.
For starters, M had a hangover. Uncharacteristically so. He knows his limits and never gets to that point. But New Year’s Eve was a blast, we had a great time with our friends ringing in 2011, and well, there was grappa. If you don’t know what grappa is, Google it, but it smells like lighter fluid and is uber strong. M likes grappa. Woops 😉
So, we spent the day relaxing all day long, watching Heroes on DVD and I tried everything I could to help him feel better. Tons of water, crackers, etc, but he’s a bad patient. Very stubborn 😉 But beyond that, it was a well-spent day, much-needed.
My mind started to work.
Thinking about my pending trip and my new job. It started to feel all-consuming. I started thinking about packing and making sure I brought enough outfits, shoes, workout gear, iPod, etc. I started to think about making sure I didn’t miss my connection, worrying about getting acclimated when I arrive, and going in on my first day with my game face on. And I started to think about missing home (I’m a homebody, self-professed) and missing M, my cats, my sisters.
And it felt overwhelming. I tried to keep it in and keep a happy face on, because I wanted to be happy, enjoying New Year’s Day (and some yummy leftovers at my sister’s house with a friend as well, and watching Sideways…finally!). But as we drove back to M’s for the night, I thought more and more and got sadder and sadder. And couldn’t figure out if it was the trip, the job, the routine switcharoo, or what.
Obviously, it was a combination of everything.
And I broke down, lying next to M in bed. And cried. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I don’t like to cry in front of others anyway, and hadn’t yet cried in front of him (a good thing, I spose, right?). But I did. And I told him what I was feeling, and that I was scared and stressed and just wanted to it all and do it all well.
He held me and comforted me and told me how proud he is of me, and that he knows I can do it, and I will do it all well. But that I need to give myself a break (I know, I do.) and just go in strong.
It will take time. And it will be stressful. But there will be bright spots, lots of them, in between stress and anticipation.
At the end of the day, I am looking forward to the challenge and new beginnings. I just need to let go a little bit, release myself of the anticipation, and know I got this. I have come so far already and won’t crumple in the face of a challenge that I know I can meet.
I just need to remind myself sometimes.