Why…

…do I want to see M all the time, yet still like my “me time?”

(normal!)

…do I embrace when M makes plans with friends, yet when they conflict with plans I want to make with him, have a hard time rolling with it and making alternate plans (knowing he would do the same?)

(bad past habit I’d like NOT to reappear)

…do I say I am honest and open and when something frustrates me for the first time with M, I bite my tongue?

(realizing that it’s not a big deal, all things considered, but does that mean I shouldn’t mention it? The new me says yes, mention it anyway, for communication purposes…then why is it so hard?)

…does it *not* scare me at the thought of living with M?

(should it? It doesn’t, it already feels natural, even though it can’t happen until next fall, realistically, anyway, lease-wise).

…do I get surprised when I keep learning little quirks, habits, and random facts about M?

(we have only known each other for 4 months, there is still plenty to learn, and that’s half the fun!)

…does it feel like even though it’s a new relationship does it feel like we’ve been together for longer (contradicting aforementioned ‘why…’)?

(because it’s natural).

…do I love sleeping next to him at night, but love nights when I sleep alone almost equally as much?

(what can I say? I like to spread out sometimes…don’t we all?)

…why do I wish he was here with me, right now, every minute of the day?

(because I love him)

~~

We’re still growing, we’re still learning, but the bottom line is, I need to maintain the things I need in this relationship…honesty is a huge one, and I need to remember that sometimes. Compromise is good, but even still, sometimes it’s worth saying when something bothers you. It’s not a big deal, but I plan to mention it.

Mention what, you ask?

Tomorrow is my last day at my job. I wanted to go out and celebrate. We are doing so tonight, but tomorrow is *the* day, and I thought perhaps he’d be available to share it with me and a few friends. Last night, he called and asked if we had ‘definitive’ plans (we did not, just had mentioned it) as a coworker’s last day is tomorrow, too, and they are going out for drinks.

Though it bothered me that he was going to do that, instead of come with me, I wondered if it *should* bother me. We have our own lives, too, and that’s okay (in fact, I love it, I want him to have his life too as I clearly have mine). And, we are celebrating tonight and on New Year’s Eve.Β  But as it bothered me, I think the best route is still honest, open communication, right?

I go back and forth with it, because I know if I say it bothered me, he’ll cancel and come with me (even though he already offered to come meet up with us after he has a drink with them…see? compromise), which isn’t my end goal. My end goal is honesty.

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37 thoughts on “Why…

  1. “…do I embrace when M makes plans with friends, yet when they conflict with plans I want to make with him, have a hard time rolling with it and making alternate plans (knowing he would do the same?)”

    Me too!

    Same with the sleeping thing… Sometimes I want to actually be able to roll over without a big hunk of man there! (Why do they all sleep in the middle of the bed?! πŸ˜‰ )

    And as for the current issue… I would feel exactly the same way. But I have to mention it. I held things in with The Ex because anything and everything would cause a huge reaction. I really don’t want to ever feel that way again. Now, I just preface it with something like “I’m not mad and I totally understand and don’t want you to change anything, but I was pretty bummed about…” I always feel better getting it off my chest and he always offers to fix it, which makes me feel better too even when I don’t take him up on it.

    1. You’re right…I can’t make the same mistakes as before, and I don’t want him to change anything about his plans, I just want him to know. I just want to make sure I am sharing these thoughts with him out of good, not to make him feel badly. Ya know?

  2. Be honest. He doesn’t have to cancel his plans–be sure to tell him that, too. Just that it was on your mind. I think that’s best. Otherwise, it’s when you keep all these things inside that you start to resent someone when they didn’t even know they were doing anything wrong (when I say you I mean me)! BTW: I still love sleeping alone sometimes, too πŸ™‚

    1. Exactly…not for the change of plans, but for him to know it’s on my mind. I never want anything to be held in, that’s such a bad habit from the past, and resentment is NEVER good. (glad I’m not alone on the sleeping alone thing!) πŸ˜‰

  3. I think it’s all okay, I’m guessing M would meet you tomorrow night without a bother if you wanted him to meet you but maybe when he heard you guys had no definitive plans, he made his own plan. It’s a tricky one especially in the early days of a relationship but I think it’s all good that you like your independence and sleeping alone at times. Maybe it’s a sign that you know you and M will be together forever so you’re valuing your time alone when you sleep if that makes sense.

    1. Yea, I know it was accidental and he wanted to make sure before even confirming with them. And like I said, I don’t want him to change his plans, I just want him to know it bummed me out a bit, even though it wasn’t even really his fault (more of an office politics thing to “show face” at these things anyway).

  4. do I love sleeping next to him at night, but love nights when I sleep alone almost equally as much?

    Because you probably don’t get as much sleep when he’s there. It’s too exciting! I get that way, too. A friend of mine talks about making the Big X in bed when you’re alone, you can stretch out in the shape of an X.

    As a guy, my first suggestion is, “Why can’t he just do both things, go out with the co-worker for a few drinks then meet up with you?” But I don’t think that’s helpful, because that “compromise” still bothers you? I don’t know the answer there.

    See, even in a perfectly puppies and rainbows swoonfest, there is conflict between what two people want. Sometimes I think we need a numbers system to show how important things are, like: On a scale of 1 to 10, it bothers me at 2. If you want to hang out with your co-workers more than 2, then do it. If not, come with me.

    1. LOL re less sleep when I’m with him, guess you have a point there πŸ˜‰

      As for the compromise – that came after he kinda realized I was hoping he’d be part of this “group” to go out for drinks. I think he felt bad, but kind of committed to this other thing with work friends. So the compromise is still a good one, but I think he may have just forgotten what we had talked about previously. But yes, in a puppies and rainbows swoonfest, there can still be a bump here and there. I know there will be others and this is really minor in the grand scheme, I’d rate it a 1 πŸ˜‰

  5. I remember when my kids were young and I’d just figure out what they liked and wanted and then they changes their minds or their bodies changed and I had to adapt. Relationships are like this…once you think you’ve got it figured out…you learn something new that has to be added into the equation. It’s what keeps like interesting πŸ™‚

    1. So true Livvy! Thanks for visiting my new blog too, glad to have you πŸ™‚ Absolutely true what you say…and it does keep it interesting. For sure πŸ™‚

  6. I think you need to go with the honest and open communication route – which INCLUDES telling M how you feel especially that you’re not telling him this so he changes his plans, but just to get used to being open with him. Just my two cents πŸ™‚

  7. That’s a tough one b/c I’d be really ticked if Jason didn’t go celebrate with me to celebrate my last day (though we’re married and been together almost 16 years now….). I think you should say something to him, but reiterate that you’re letting him know only b/c you want to be honest (you don’t want it to fester and come up randomly 5 years from now) but that you don’t expect him to change his plans. I mean, deep down you might want him too, but I think you should let him know that he should go with his coworkers as planned. And I feel like I’m rambling….

    1. You aren’t rambling! And honestly, if he didn’t add in the compromise (and we had hard-set plans), I’d be a little more upset than I am. I will mention it, but don’t want him to change his plans, so long as he meets us after πŸ™‚

  8. After 3 years (yikes!), I still struggle with wanting me time and wanting him here all the time. I know that if we do get engaged and married, my me time will be severely limited, so I love that I can indulge whenever I want now, but at the same time, I really want him to be here, even if I’m just cleaning or surfing the internet (times when I don’t want to be bothered, lol).

    I think honesty is definitely good, but if it’s not important and it will “guilt him” into conforming to your feelings, is it really worth mentioning? I haven’t the foggiest notion. When you decide, tell me so I can know the secret to this one too! πŸ˜€

    1. That’s what I struggled with too – “guilting’ him when it wasn’t *that* big of a deal, and he is coming over after anyway. It is a tough balance.

  9. I say you have to talk to him about it but it could wait until after tomorrow so he doesn’t feel obligated to change his plans. If you don’t talk to him about how you feel about this, what’s the next thing you won’t talk to him about? And so it goes and before long, there’s a whole lot you’re not comfortable sharing. Bad news.

    The other thing … do you know really why you’re miffed??

    1. I read this last night when I was at M’s and I agree with you, not bringing it up until after, but at least explaining why I was a bit frustrated (as we had tentatively made plans and then he made plans over it…not the worst thing in the world, it happens, and sometimes is unavoidable with work stuff).

  10. I feel like a broken record jumping in here to say “be open and honest” like everyone else said. But you may have to be firm about him not changing his plans. I mean, very firm. He might be confused about you telling him you are upset, but you not letting him “fix” it. Men like to fix. That’s my two cents for today πŸ™‚

    1. Ya know, you’re right, men do like to fix (at least M does!) and I think to Mandy’s point, not really getting into it until after is best, so he doesn’t attempt to anyway (though he is already leaning towards not going anyway…office politics).

  11. No real advice, just some thoughts. There’s a fine line there, I think. Honesty *IS* important, but I have found that sometimes it is also important to just sometimes let things pass. I went through a stage with CBG where I was telling him every little thing that he did (or didn’t do) that bothered me. He saw this as me wanting him to do something about it. He felt frustrated because to him it felt like I was expecting him to change or be different. This ultimately led to more conflict than necessary. I have found, since then, that there is nothing wrong with letting things pass if they’re really not a big deal. This requires me to be honest with myself in situations. Is it worth mentioning? If not, then I just genuinely let it go. I think that healthy relationships require that sometimes.

    Now. I’m not saying that this is the case here with you and M, I’m just offering this perspective. You have to do what feels best for you in this situation. One of the things about a new relationship is learning how to navigate through conflict – because every single relationship experiences it. It’s how we handle it that is the significant bit.

    1. Wow, great points, as usual. I was hemming and hawing over this all night last night when I was with M. But as he made me a special dinner (complete with a homemade soup, lamb chops marinated in wine, and a veggie stir fry), some music, and some wine, to celebrate, I really couldn’t see why it felt like a bigger deal than it was. Yea, I might mention that if we do actually have plans and he ends up scheduling over it, that would bother me (when it’s not something unavoidable), but otherwise, I don’t think it’s really a conflict. I feel absolutely fine today, happy, and looking forward to re-celebrating later tonight and tomorrow. How can I really be mad!

      1. NOT that I’m saying that this is the case here, but sometimes when something small seems like a bigger deal than it should be, it’s because of me and something that I’m dealing (or not dealing) with. Just a thought.

        Sometimes in relationships we just need to let things go…it’s important to figure out which issues need to be discussed, and which need to be let go. It’s a balancing act, as with most things in life. πŸ˜‰

  12. I thought it would be different when we lived together, but no, I still want him all the time. I still want him to myself a lot. And we’re still working out the kinks after two and a half years.

    Give it time. And patience.

  13. Hmm… so have you mentioned it to him yet? I guess I can see both sides… you do have a lot of time to celebrate with him, and your last day of work is not as significant as celebrating your NEW job, so I would opt for that instead. Let the boy go out πŸ™‚

  14. You, my dear, are perfectly normal. Or maybe we’re all just a little crazy like that. I enjoyed this post. I could definitely relate!

  15. I showed this post to my man, whom I met on Match about 4 months ago…

    He read it, looked at me and said “wow, you could have written that… Are you sure that wasn’t you?”

    So many parallels in how you and I think. It’s nice to read how you are dealing with it all to *validate* what I do or say πŸ™‚

    Happy New Year!!!!

  16. Ooh – good questions! I feel like honesty is often the best possible, but not always. Is this likely to happen again? Is there a way to broach it to let him know that you understand his reasons, but aren’t sure why it still hit you funny? Let us know what you end up doing. xoxo

    1. We did talk about it a bit but I didn’t get into why it bothered me, because I don’t know why it did, to be honest. And if I don’t know why, then why make him feel guilty for something that was somewhat out of his control, right? If it happens again, yes, I will definitely bring it up.

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