For some reason, I’ve always struggled with confidence. I have waves of it, but other times, I am filled with self-doubt. Sometimes it can be something as little as not liking the way my stomach looks in the mirror to throw me into a tailspin of nitpicking imperfections, massive self-doubt, and a sheer inability to see myself for the good, just the flaws.
My problem is that I only see the imperfections in the mirror these days…even though I feel loved, I feel beautiful (I don’t think a day goes by without M telling me that, or my seeing it in his eyes), and I am happy, healthy, and have a great life ahead of me.
So why do I have such a major case of I-hate-myself-itis? (meaning my body, not myself in full). My sister thinks that because so much is going right in my life that I am looking for the bad. I don’t believe that. I just believe I simply have a bad case of self-esteem issues at the moment, and feel as though my body isn’t what it could be.
Perhaps it’s my mind *thinking* I’ve ‘let myself go” because of said remiss routine.
Perhaps I indulged a bit more than I should have over the holiday (hello wine, my BFF…).
Or perhaps I really am just in need of shaking myself out of this body funk I have going on.
I really don’t have an answer for it.
I do know this: it could always be worse and if my whacked body image issues are all I am worrying about at the moment, then life’s pretty damn good. I mean, really, it is. Why am I nitpicking myself?
And why am I going in circles with this blog post? I am probably rambling and if you aren’t following, that’s okay, this blog is more for me to get out my feelings on this as it has consumed my mind all day long. And the fact is? Nobody can give me body confidence, I need to do it for me.
But the truth is? I’m perfectly imperfect. We all are.
Recently, my sister (followed by Heather) wrote about being imperfect and why it’s okay. I read them, I loved them, and vowed to write one of my own. I am doing this in part to help me get back to believing it…I’m imperfect, but that’s okay, we all are. Being imperfect shouldn’t take away your confidence. It should unlock it.
…I have more ‘fat’ days than I care to admit (and I hate to admit that I call them ‘fat’ days since I know I am not literally fat).
…I actually hate to compromise. I wish it was always ‘my way or the highway’ (I know, as a Libra, I should love this, and while I love balance, I hate compromise. Odd, right?)
…Sometimes I look in the mirror and just see flaws (clearly).
…Other times I look in the mirror and love my smile (but hate my cheeks).
…I wonder if my 50/50 view on wanting kids (or not) means I’m selfish, or if it just means I’m not ready (but I will admit I am more 60/40 than 50/50 than I used to be, and that says something, right?)
…I *still* struggle with confrontation, even though being direct is the approach I want to get to, in my professional life, and personal life too. I hide behind puppies and rainbows more than I’d like to.
…but, at the end of the day, I’m a good friend, sister, daughter, and girlfriend, with unwavering devotion and support. And that, my friends, means more than flat abs any day.
Sometimes I just need to see the forest from the trees and just writing this out makes me feel better already.
Nobody else will do it for you.
I have to do it for me.
Embrace and unlock.